ASS-TROLOGY
By Jon Mendenhall
From April 11th to May 15th the planet Mercury will turn retrograde in Taurus affecting the financial sector. Expect the unexpected as it pertains to money. If you thought your department was safe from budget cuts-think again! This could also be a good thing, as you may see money come back to you from someone from the recent past who owes you. Recognize their effort, as you yourself may not be so far off from being in the same boat one day soon!
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are quick to tell everyone else how they should or shouldn’t fuck you, ummm… I mean, spend their money. Take some of your own advice over the next few weeks as Mercury goes retrograde. There may be situations where you need the extra money you have now, and if you can, just for a moment, relinquish relying on that lame excuse that you have “attention deficit”, your bank account won’t be suffering a deficit either. You do so well in dire emergencies; apply this to the daily emergencies as well. And for God’s sake call your fucking mother, before she needs CPR.
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) Watch you bank balance, as errors are inevitable. Do not assume that your bank has everything in check. Wait until after the middle of May to invest in a new car or boyfriend. Indulge in June, not May. You look good in a Lexus. You look good in a Mercedes too.
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 21) It won’t be very good for most people in the first half of May, but Gemini’s will fair best. Probably because you’re the smartest. You might catch someone stealing from you this month or you, you yourself may attempt a few shady tricks. Try your luck at counting cards.
CANCER (Jun 22-Jul 22) If you have a sugar daddy, I’m sure you keep tabs on what goes in and out of his bank account. You’re well aware of his financial state, probably more so than he is himself. He doesn’t want an accountant. He wants and needs that fine piece of ass he first met. You’re a fine piece of ass….for right now (the right now being the key phrase). You had better quit your bitching because you’ll soon find yourself without a Toto to piss in shortly after the 15th if you don’t put out, missy. No one wants to hear another lecture on tax deduction come out of your mouth. C’mon already! Shut the fuck up and show daddy what that hole is for.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) “Stop call-in, Stop call-in, I don’t wanna talk anymore…” Ya’ KNOW! Okay. You can lead a cat to an asshole, but you can’t make ‘em lick! In the up and cuming weeks focus on “review” and “reflection”. Turn off your phone, and go somewhere where no one knows you. Put on your best Jackie O. and go incognito. Leo, no matter how many people you help, it will not heal your own wounds. Your challenges will remain unaddressed. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, focusing on fixing ourselves is easier said than done.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) Well, you may be in for some discouraging news about that promising investment you made last year in the stuffed animal industry. Guess What? No one buys stuffed animals. You’re a fucking dork, Virgo-a dork a with a donkey dick. You may feel a little off this month. Just follow your usual regiment of wheatgrass shakes and barley supplements. Make sure you wash your hands every time you come into contact with dirt, including dirty people. (Even if you imagine dirt, wash your hands anyway, just in case it was real…)
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 23) While everyone else was busy losing their jobs, you were snug in your section eight, already months comfortably unemployed. But don’t get too comfortable, ‘cause the check may not be coming so soon in May…It may be that your unemployment will run out, but if you’ve concocted a fool-proof alternative strategy, like good Libras always do, you’ll start to see the fruits of you forethought. Your amazing ability to look through the world with rose-tinted glasses should be a lesson to us all: Denial not just river in Libra!
SCORPIO (Oct 21-Nov 22) If you are a landlord, you have been far too permissive with you tenants. This month you should evict the people, thoughts, emotions, which have been taking advantage of your House, and squatting in what is rightfully yours. The good people who truly have your best interest at heart- you question, yet the people who take blatant advantage of you; they are extended even more, and never questioned….Take a step back and watch the direction you’re throwing that stinger, dude. If you’re too careless, you’ll end up impaling your back. And that is not very sexy.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) Some guys have all the luck. While everyone else has to study days and weeks before the paper is due, you’re out getting dicked in some fuckbus at the Zone. And when you actually get around to doing your school work, sometime between sunrise and the beginning of class, you create a literary masterpiece. How do you do it Sag? We are only comforted in the knowledge that one day you will be fat. Whatever risky investment you’ve made will not turn out to be a disaster nor will it be a windfall. Why not take what you haven’t lost, (Now I’m referring to dollars not pounds…) and reinvest into shipbuilding?
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) As you know by now, “overdraft protection” is the bank’s guise for saying, “Thirty-five dollars please… And could you just spread those cheeks open just a little bit more? Okay, thank-you Sir.” If it seems that everyone around every corner wants more than ever to stick it up your poopshoot, Capricorn, you would not be mistaken. The word is scapegoat for a reason. It’s not called scapcrab or scapfish or scapbull or scapcat. Scapegoat=Capricorn. They always blame the poor goat. But for every unfair accusation you endure, for every dick you are forced to take, and for every blow to your self-esteem, there is a pile of money waiting for you when you turn 79. Okay, feel better?
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) “YOO-HOO…Yeah YOU!-Aquarius…It’s me in the water! No, no, no, I’m not waving-I’m drowning! Could you just stop talking for a moment and maybe throw me that lifesaver behind you? Oh, no not the water bottle and towel.”
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) A crisis, for you, it is not, Pisces. It’s just in your imagination. You have an amazing gift for being able to put yourself in the shoes of others. But sometimes the feeling can be so intense, that you think it’s you, yourself having the experience of another. However you handle yourself quite remarkably Pisces. As Mercury moves retrograde this month and into May the focus is on finance. You’ve crossed all your “t’s” and dotted all your “i’s”. Hell, with all that extra energy, you can focus on getting laid.
BTW….Now I’m not going to state for sure that an earthquake is inevitably going to happen in the next few weeks. It’s like this: I can’t tell you if you’re going to get struck by lightning, but I can tell you that you may need to get the fuck off the golf course, because I see those clouds up ahead and they do not look so nice. So, that is what I’m telling you. Just be prepared. That 7.2 earthquake may just be a preamble to one of the same size and magnitude only a bit closer to LA. Do not stand by windows. Get on your knees and cover your head. (That should be easy enough to remember?) And it might be wise not to go vacationing by the Salton Sea.
