SO, I must apologize for my rather weak attempt last week to be funny and name celebrities with big dicks…..After rethinking who I named last week, this week I have only listed celebrities confirmed by the most reputable sources in Hollywood of possessing hotcock. Now November’s gonna go at a normal pace until about Thanksgiving. We are in for a December Mercury Retrograde. So if something about to break, get it fixed now, or get rid it now before the Mercury Retrograde forces you to deal with it on the spot. Not exactly where you want to be around the Christmas season. Take advantage of the normal pace November offers. Do what all my Scorpio fuckbuds do, and fuck more now, ‘cause cum December, everyone gonna be late or will flake on you altogether.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) A possible new job opportunities or partnerships comes your way. Maybe that dream job at the mortuary finally opened up? An idea you thought was dead gets resurrected. Aries has a natural, undeniable life force and it would be helpful if you had yours turned up and on this week. Even if you’re faking it, fake it good. The artificial smile Dr. Frankenstein put on you could become real once you understand the power of this particular lightening strike. Kevin Federline
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) Last week might have been kind of “ugh” for you. Maybe that blood type didn’t agree with you? I see more challenges next week as you try to rummage up the right opportunity to bite into. Rather than a dietary problem, this looks like money issues to me. Oh well, could be worse Taurus. It’s all just transitional stuff. So whatever woe there be, don’t freak out. Its just not gonna be around long enough to be worth the work. Levi Johnston
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 21) Look Gems. Things at home look okay. Work is okay. In other words, all those basics seem to be okay. As long as you stay inside during the full moons, you’ve got some room for risk. Okay? So howl all you want. And that thing you see yourself becoming? Take it! Own It. Time to move forward. There is never gonna be a better time. So, (patting your back with a slight push) off with you, fly bitch! Dennis Rodman
CANCER (Jun 22-Jul 22) A project that you had on your table that you are pretty much convinced was dead, is gonna resurrect and shock you. You thought it couldn’t have gone worse, but instead it’s gonna stomp all the way into town. The townspeople will errrr…love you! Try not to act shocked, that’s your projects job. You knew all along it was gonna turn out that way. Right? Well, act like you did anyway. Confidence is important this week. Plastic Martyr
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) Someone laid down the law last week and now this week you’re feeling pretty scared about it. Well, believe it or not an upside is coming. The stars blatantly project this. I get the intensity of the emotion you are experiencing, but try to keep in mind that good things are gonna come from this. And come very, very soon. So if that can be a balm to your pain, let it be. If you can hold off the crying for just a little bit, you may just need a little soap and water and no need those ghostbusters after all. [Insert Your Name Here, Leo]
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) Some good news is either imminent, or has already arrived via hearse. Now there are big decisions to be made. This time represents another big push of transition for Virgos. Time to bury the past. I’d tell you to be sure and embrace it, but frankly I think you’re dying for it anyway. So I’ll not use up the white space for it. Just make your choices thoughtfully, then make final arrangements now. Charlie Sheen (but only with a Viagra trail mix)
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 23) Decisions surrounding your treasure are on the horizon. Is your daddy cutting your budget? Whatever the reason, it doesn’t look like it would hurt you any to make more thought out spending choices. Take a look; a good hard look; at where your money goes. Then make your choices. It is a time of re-taking your own control. (Goin’ to the Trader Joe won’t hurt either!) Tommy Lee (like duh!)
SCORPIO (Oct 21-Nov 22) A new business opportunity that comes your way soon may not feel like the best thing you ever dug up. But take another look. It appears to me that it’s time to drive a stake through the heart of your focus on the negative, therefore overlooking the positive. And having lived with Scorpios throughout my life. When they decide to drive the stake, they’ll follow through. And never look again on the negativity. The opportunity seems to have come from a reliable and trustworthy source. Look up from your gloom and doom attitude on this and look around you. Things are better than you realize. Kevin Williams (who reportedly is now a Top-imagine that!)
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) Expect a shift in things from the status of “rest in peace” to “reanimated” over the next couple of months. Probably until the death of 2010. Nothing too terrifying really. But if you’ve just kind of been lying around in your casket, expect that to end. The challenges coming might at first seem aggravating, but you will soon fall into the work with enjoyment. Sag is way too enthusiastic to lie around and this will give your mind something to really sink its teeth into. So as the challenge starts to appear, remember that this whole thing is going to be invigorating. So no grumbling. You’re not writing any blue’s songs! Brad Pitt
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Us Capricorns will join their Sag siblings as a time that’s become out and out boring, just ups and dies. Some significant hard work is coming, so get out that shovel and start digging. Great things will be spawned by all of this. Don’t be surprised if things go from stand still to out of control very quickly. It will help this thing not turn into a real monster if you just stop a minute; stand back; and really look at what’s going on. Find the motivation behind the creature. If you can see what’s up, you will find that you don’t mind the work at all. Gosh, Caps have so MUCH cock….I’ll just point to one with my eyes closed…. Hey, It’s Mr. Jude Law
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) Take a moment and think what might be going on in your life right now that was created by an ancestor of yours, that you control or possess, and that might be on its way to your prodigy. Possibly even a family trait? Now when I state, “family”, I don’t necessarily refer to your biological family. It is whomever you identify as being your family. It wouldn’t hurt to get their input on what’s going on. Look one generation back, and then one forward. What message do you see for yourself? Justin Timberlake (And all Aquarian Presidents, as well as Aquarians who fly planes)
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) If everybody is getting along really well, take a moment to notice why. What is it about this moment that has things going so well? Try to grab the message and wrap your hands around it so that you might be able to bring it along with you as you move through time. You really are the creator of your own destiny. So if you like this peacefulness, understand it. Then master it. Rob Lowe (His last name ain’t the only thing that hangs lowe.)
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