BY MRS. HELLO
Okay, Hello. This is some red hot situation that Mrs. Hello has on her hands this week to report to you…as the STARS jump right off the charts! Okay…really?? A new Zodiac Sign…what did they call it…?? OH-PHUCH-US?? All right, Ophuchicus, The Snake Holder. Hmm, I think I’ve seen him in the basement of the Ivar Hollywood Spa last weekend. Again, it would seem that the Ancient Babylonians had 13 constellations, but really only wanted 12. (Huh?) So they took a vote, or drew straws, or did Rock/Paper/Scissors or something. Anyway, Ophuckus got the hatchet. Now, according to the Minnesota Planetarium Society, the Moon has altered its gravitational pull on Earth, and for some reason, they tossed the baby out with the bath water. (Always one of my favorite constellations.) They also assigned all new dates to the signs as we know them…PLUS elected to re-invite Ohfuchmyass back into the fold. Okay. Put the Koo-Koo back in the clock. What’s really going on here? Further follow-up information would have it that these changes will only apply to those born in 2009 and up. Again, huh? Its 2011…so, anyone born in 2009 is two years old! Now, what two year old is going to raise a ruckus over this? And, how would we tell if they did?!? Hmm…Minnesota Planetarium Society? And just who the heck made them in charge of the deal anyway? Galileo? Nope. So…for the time being your Ass-Trological info will not be part of this new “Reformist” crew. I remember the starry, starry nights in Palm Springs when Mister World and I would gaze up at the Heavens with our telescope and make up our own constellation. There was Juniors Jock Strap, Uncle Phil’s Dildo, Bound and Gagged Billy…you get the picture. Anyway, we never inflicted these amusements on the general public, nor did we notice any sort of gravitational pull from the moon. Oh, and by the way, in the Southern Hemisphere where I lived for a period of time growing up, the whole night sky is different – stars and all, so how does the Minnesota Macadamia Nut Farm of Stellar Stoopidos intend to explain that?? Oh My Stars!! So many questions. Looks like I’ll be working overtime before getting to the Big Ole’ Bottom of this one.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) Thinking about spreading yourself around? Well for the weeks upcoming, group activities are beneficial, new contacts abound, and your Flip-Flopping is welcomed, not scoffed upon. Third week in February, a new relationship is on the front burner. So until then, heels in the air. And remember, don’t be afraid of bad press; be afraid of no press. David Hyde Pierce
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) Mars, your ruler planet of sexuality is in full force. Look for fellow Earth sign, Capricorn, to trigger quite a powerful good time for you. It also seems Uranus is forming a beneficial angle to the Moon, so the Moonlight will be extremely bright, but don’t spend your good times with worry about waning or waxing…just enjoy, Bella Luna. Meshach Taylor
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 21) A new partner/partnership will spark creative genius in you, making money an easy reward. Take advantage of social opportunities as well. Transitions make for chaos, however, it is the type you thrive on. Risk and find out what your “Sky Dive” is all about…one, two, three – Jump Twin Power! Laurence Olivier
CANCER (Jun 22-Jul 22) As Venus enters Sagittarius, the bigger picture comes right into focus. You can party with the best of them without missing a beat. Just make sure it’s not a beating. You CAN miss that one. Take notice as you bend over. Remember, it’s time for you to delve into deeper mysteries, and feed your soul as well as your hole…family. Jimmy Somerville
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) Pluto, that de-moted planet is alive and well and influencing you right now. With that being said, expansion is the name of change in store for you. From patter to patterns, a new version of you will be on display. Your self confidence prevails, so grab your keys and clothes. They have a room waiting for you. Go find out the answer to your question, “How do you like me now?” Gus Van Sant
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) Time for you to be set free at last. Your opinions are likely to change on several closely held beliefs – let them. Give little concern to getting home “on time” and more to hitting the ball(s) out of the park. Just take time to change the sheets, and remember, nothing says loving like something from your oven. Karl Lagerfeld
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 23) Care to dance? Why I’d love to! Libra, seems your Dance Card is going to fill up fast. I say, “fill it to the rim”. As this influx of the masses unfolds, you encounter many different types who shake up your rather predictable world for the better. Just keep with the rhythm, and stay with the beat. Expansion in business translates to fearlessness and independence, one “dance” your Boss might rather you sit out. Sylvester
SCORPIO (Oct 21-Nov 22) Oh you! See the “winner” emerge as you go with what you know, and get to do so in the Spot Light this time. Seems like our sideliner now shows ‘em how it’s done, but don’t scold ‘em if they want to take notes, just be wise to videotaping, in fact, it may be best to stay on TOP of everything for a while. Those in the know will be victorious, those not can fake it ‘till they make it. Remember, you don’t have to be the best; you just have to be there. Rock Hudson
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) Do you remember silently asking for help recently? Well the Universe will now grant your request. Cool, huh? Just give your concern to what you want, not to the lack of what you have. There will be some new additions to your social roster that happily drink from your fountain. Let them lap it up and save the excuses for times when they’re really needed. In other words, dummy the you-know- what up, and try to enjoy this time – it’s all part of the plan. Little Richard
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) Surprise, Surprise, your energy for making money is hot – as are certain amounts of redefining creative outlets. Oh, and you figure out how they can make money for you – go figure! Best rule of thumb for now would be to sparkle up your presentation, and shine up anything even slightly dull, AND stock the shelves, so when you get caught with your pants down, you will have everything you need within arms reach. Wilson Cruz
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) Looks like you are rolling, Water Bearer, river or not – this is indeed an easy, breezy, beautiful time, due in part to Venus and Mars traveling together. You’ve got both romance and heightened sexuality. Seems people on the river are happy to give. Now what starts nice and easy may progress to nice and rough, but notice, it’s all “nice” – lucky you! Greg Louganis
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) The past is past, gone, but not always forgotten. It is time to sort aspects out that might lend clues to some old dilemmas. As this process comes to light, more becomes clear allowing common threads to connect or re-connect you to others. This remarkable series of events can surprise you in ways you never imagined. If you love the one you’re with, you will at least have your turn on the spin cycle, even if you are by yourself, so fluff a little before you fold. Tommy Tune
If you desire the advantage of knowing how and when to make the best moves you can in your life, Mrs. Hello would love to assist you with personalized Astrological guidance. The cost is nominal, the benefit is great, and your confidence assured. Address interest in these services, as well as any other astrologically inclined correspondence to: email@example.com, and be sure to include “Mrs. Hello” in the subject line.