ASS-TROLOGY
BY MRS HELLO
All the planets are reflecting the change in seasons. As we embrace spring with Daylight Savings Time, there emerges a total across-the-board shift into evolution and cultural enrichment. Now, this is not to say we have to abandon our booty-shakin’ hedonistic ways, nor do we need to depart from being butt rangers on the prowl. However, it is important to keep in mind the best way to change the world is through the process of changing ourselves.
Oh My Stars, that gives me, as Elvis Costello puts it, “visible shivers running down my spine”. Let’s start with opening our minds, as well as our legs, and transcend into a space of new acceptance, not only of others, but of ourselves as well. Makes me want to go to a fetish ball, how ‘bout you?? (Sorry ‘bout it). A somewhat disgruntled friend recently told me that fear had its paralyzing grip on him, and he was stuck somewhere between a rock and a wet place…okay, well, anyway…I told him that fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real, and the best thing to do would be to face that false stuff and shoo it away once and for all. Whew, feel better?? I do…anyway try to take in a little culture. No, I’m not talking about yogurt. Maybe go and see the exhibit of inventions, ideas, and art by that big ol’ queen, Leonardo da Vinci himself. It’s over at the Hollywood & Highland Center, 2nd level, or maybe drop by the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s, The Village, and check out its art gallery, now featuring “Apocalypse” a series of silk-screens by that gay love lamb, Keith Haring. So, elevate your consciousness as well as your heels. Read your horoscope. Kiss someone. After all, you’re all stars.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Looks like you are in store for a new relationship and this one looks like a good one with fresh possibilities. Just be mindful not to go too far astray as your grounding will come into play later next month. The neighbors are watching, so be sure to close the blinds (or leave them open), depending on how much “exposure” you desire. Play some cards or board games with friends. Before you play hide the sausage, you might find out a lot from your partners, as well as your opponents with regard to sportsmanship. Bruce Weber
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) Loose ends of an ongoing project need to be tied up before you put it in the can. It will be to your advantage to plan and organize well or your day to day will be in upheaval. This isn’t to say it will be a bad thing, but you may find yourself stretched between two or more homes due to an increase in “social” popularity. Be a party pal, but keep a handle on your sack. More than one can spell overextension before you know it! Keith Haring
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20 Things are in a state of flux and uncertainty but back down from rushing this phase and you will see new and natural solutions emerge. It is a good time for short trips; maybe make it an adventure, even if you do not go far from home. The smarter of you out there will take full advantage of the chance to let others help provide a break from the grind you have been in for some time. So just accept graciously but don’t give up your concerns, or at least not your control or this could spell, “oops, I crapped my pants!” Tony Ward
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) Let others offer their opinions, even if it’s not all praise. Constructive criticism is just that, so wear your hard hat, strap on your tool belt and do a little re-model on you. Many good pieces of news will start to trickle down the wire for you. Not all may seem to be good at the time, but just be relaxed about things in general, and you’ll see a pattern display itself to you. Remember, it’s good to be a “handy” man; maybe go ‘round someone’s house and fix something for them as well! Cazwell
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) Challenges test you now, but don’t fight or ignore situations. Allow a valuable learning experience to show itself and remember, even you, the ever capable one can learn. Maybe it is time to flip for it, or to visit another culture…after all the language of love is Universal. Alexis Arquette
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) Don’t spend so much time alone, as others (as well as you) benefit from your inclusion. A fun event or party shows you just what I’m talking about, so resist the urge to decline invitations and show up early. The secret to success here is to never let them see you sweat, or at least by the time they see it, everything will be working in your favor! Lily Tomlin
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) Relax and don’t worry any more than you absolutely have to about your problems. It seems they are actually blessings in disguise! The road is paved with surprises and you turn out to be quite a surprise this week as well. A new acquaintance shows you a new side, and you in turn show them more fun than a barrel of monkeys. This should be one circus not to miss, so take your vitamins and show up ready to go! Matthew Williamson
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) A shakeup will uncover people and situations you have neglected to notice. Give over to what is coming up next, as you are ready for it, even though you may need some time to become comfortable with the idea. Roll with the scene, make a joke or two, and appear as light-hearted as you can. This will catch the attention of the cutest one in the room which will in turn take a turn with you…watch, you’ll see. Madison Hildebrand
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) For you now, there is nothing better than being respected, but you must lead by example and display your worthiness of respect. The explorers forged sometimes into unknown and uncharted realms. This is akin to your “urban discovery” phase of late. To go where no man has gone before kind of plays into that straight boy thing of yours, now doesn’t it?? Jeffrey Sanker
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Take control and discard any influences that are designed to introduce doubt to your plans and ideas. Your path is solid, so put into action what has remained so tidy for so long on your drawing board. A colorful time awaits you as well. Let your creative nature trump your stodginess and show ‘em how it can, (and should) be done…thank you. Michael Stipe
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Time to adopt some new ways of going about your life. Abandon temptation to stall. Even though the new isn’t always you, try not to place any more concern on what it is you cannot see. This is no longer necessary as a survival skill. You might want to think about upgrading some of those trinkets of yours however. Oh, and make an extra set of keys…just in case. Darren Criss
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) Commit to your intuition and follow your heart when you labor over decisions and situations. Things are impacting you now differently, in fact they might be called FUN! Something you have not had too much of lately, so loosen up your buttons, baby…there is no need to drive with one eye in the rear view mirror, but you might use any extra hands for “first hand “ exploration…hmm. Queen Latifah
If you desire the advantage of knowing how and when to make the best moves you can in your life, Mrs. Hello would love to assist you with personalized Astrological guidance. The cost is nominal, the benefit is great, and your confidence assured. Address interest in these services, as well as any other astrologically inclined correspondence to: helloworldproductions@gmail.com, and be sure to include “Mrs. Hello” in the subject line.
